When To Do When Running Turns Toxic
Running has been my best friend, my most loyal companion, for many many years now. It has been there through thick and thin, when times were tough and when I felt I had nowhere to turn. I truly thought we had an unbreakable bond but recently that bond started to unravel, slowly at first. I didn’t really notice the threads of our friendship separating as there wasn’t a huge bursting break. The burn was slow as the hostility between us grew until it no longer could be ignored.
Of course, the signs were there- the feelings of dread rather than excitement at the thought of heading out for a run. The magic began to fade as every run felt like a chore; I competed with tiredness, with niggles, feeling deflated, frustrated, and flawed.
Every run felt like a battle, perpetually in combat against a “frenemy” who whispered behind my back, who no longer celebrated my achievements, instead putting their needs before mine, “resting is self-indulgent, races had to be run!”. Often, their cruel criticism was masked as helpful feedback, their mumblings grew louder, more raucous, garishly talking only about themselves, basking in egotistical hollows of falsified achievements on social platforms.
I ignored my feelings, my gut was telling me it wasn’t quite right, that there had been a shift, that I needed to cut them out of my life. Running, my buddy, was no longer someone I recognised. I cried, we used to be inseparable, we were proud together, we celebrated our success and achievements, they helped dissolve my worries with every mediative step, and we faced challenges head on with grit and determination.
Perhaps our relationship became toxic with the pressure I piled upon myself; the constant need to meet milestones, achieve personal bests, and compare my progress with others. I’d lost the simple joy of running for the sake of running, and what for? the pursuit of superficial goals?
Like any relationship, we had to confront our issues head on; more tears, some candour and a fair amount of soul searching but, our friendship fully rekindled at the Yorkshire Marathon, not quite were it all started, but where our foundations were first cemented.
And it was with each step of this run that I rediscovered the love and pure joy of running. Maybe it was the familiar landscape or the comforting chocolate aroma of my hometown, the Chocolate City, that gave our friendship a new strength, but it wasn’t long before I realised, I’d left the deadweight of expectations on the start line. In the end, my friend and I just needed some time, and some patience to remind us of why we became friends in the first place.
What to do if running turns toxic:
Have a break, try something new or go back to a class or group that you used to enjoy; I used to love a Body Combat class before I started running.
Volunteer at a local race or parkrun; there’s something about supporting other people’s running that can put all your running woes into perspective.
Have a break. Just have a break, it’s ok, you don’t have to love running all the time or even at all, moving should always be about enjoyment and not something that should be endured!
Try a new distance or a different terrain, if you’ve been pounding the pavements for months on end training for a marathon, try an off road parkrun or 10km; getting out in the green of the trees can add another dimension to your running.